i had the most difficult time last night of studying for my midterms.
thoughts kept popping up in my head of this feeling i just cannot comprehend.

i don't know if what i am feeling now is real or i am just sympathizing with him or am just longing for that feeling. it's confusing on what this feeling really is.
the funny thing, he's the only person who knows me inside and out...he's the only one who can help me understand what this is...but he's the one i am hiding it from.
he knows that something is wrong with me..that some thing's going on. good thing it's my midterms..i can blame it all on the stress of school and stuff.

he asked me last night, why nothing works for him...he feels so unlucky in love...i was supposed to say something clever like..."its maybe because you've always looked far but it has always been in front of you." or "maybe because you are looking in the wrong places?" but i got scared. i didn't know how he'll react to such things..so instead..i said something safe.."hindi lang naman ikaw ang malas e...ako rin naman e...". i wanted so bad to tell him how i felt but it wasn't the time.plus i am really really scared that i might lose him.

i asked jamie this morning..."do you think i love him?" without a doubt she said yes..she added "if you get hurt because he's hurt, maybe you really love him." i told her that i want to tell him how i feel but i am just scared to lose one of my most treasured friendships. she told me to be prepared for anything...i replied " i am prepared to get hurt, because i know i will. i know that we'll never be more than what we are now and i've accepted that. i'll just be his strength..as ive always been." that line sealed the deal... i do love him.

it's just so funny how everything unfolded. the real reasons why i like certain types of men. why no relationship was good enough for me. why in every relationship there was always something missing. it wasn't the right fit. - i've always compared my boyfriends to him, i wanted guys who are more or less like him because i wanted him.

now this is the confusing part, how can i go from here to there? it's so hard to hide whatever i am feeling, but it's harder to let it out. i am so scared that i might lose him. everybody's been telling me i wont but something in my heart says i might. i am really really scared.

-- i got this quote from venus' blog --

**..how do you draw the line between love and friendship?..in friendship we create love..in love we risk friendship..and sometimes, wanting more means losing everything...
---> this is the part that i am scared the most. i'd rather stay like this than lose him forever. he's the only person who knows me inside and out...i don't want to lose someone like that.